god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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