I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
