People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
