So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
