Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
