"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
