I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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