I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
