I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You are a genius and a whore.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
