I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
