Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
