Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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