went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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