I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he thought i was a dude.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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