I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
