I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
