So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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