I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
