Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
