i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
