im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
