Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
