new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
