Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
