why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
