it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
