It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
