Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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