oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
