He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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