I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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