Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
