fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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