I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
