so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
