If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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