I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
