This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
