All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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