I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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