I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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