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• (512): View more from Texas

  3.50 mugs at the bar.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.

  (512): View more from Texas

  How ugly, and does she have friends?

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something

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• (989): View more from Michigan

  Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

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• (415): View more from California

  I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.

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