Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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