i already hear my dad disowning me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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