I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
