she woke up with a sticky ear
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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