Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
