he wants to bone in the snuggie
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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