So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
