you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
